


A study on awards, nail polish and tears

by Singittome



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bulimia, Character Study, Dark, Depression, Healing, Introspection, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8859433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Singittome/pseuds/Singittome
Summary: Viktor Nikiforov has won everything there is to win!Except everything meant nothing when I had nothing. That was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, before you came to untangle the noose around my neck.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: depression, bulimia, a brief suicide mention.

_Viktor Nikiforov has won_ everything _there is to win!_

Everything meant nothing when I had nothing.

That was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, the first day Yakov took me under his wing: _you have nothing, boy._ It became painfully clear, like a kick into my chest when they told me that I couldn't skate the way I wanted to skate, and I couldn't date boys, and I couldn't paint my nails, and, and, _and_

a crescendo of roaring applauses. I am legend. I'm fourteen with long hair and a flower crown and I'm unlike anything they've seen before: feminine twists and twirls and sharp joints instead of muscle and power and they're enthralled. _You have nothing, boy. If you sign, you move to Sanct Petersburg and you leave everything, is that clear, is that clear, isthatclear_

_yes. yesyesyes_

I'm sixteen and I've stopped eating and I can't stop throwing up and Yakov screaming _what's wrong with him_ and Yakov not realizing that it's his fault because _I need to stay skinny and I need to lose weight and my body has changed **why is this happening**_ and doctors shaking their heads and writing _bulimia_ into little notebooks and trying to lose muscle until I disappear into nothing and they let me skate again and I just want to be _free free free_

 _as free as a bird._ Because I'm seventeen and I have no friends and my hair is going grey and I'm crying in the bathroom before the Grand Prix finals because the black spandex costume that looks like sharkskin is too tight around the chest and I cant breathe and I'm _not_

 _the Viktor they want._ And I skate and I'm skate because it's easier than killing myself and it's cheaper then meds and Yakov takes me to a shrink and hisses to _fix me_ and after I cry and throw up dr. Nikolaievich asks me for an autograph and

I'm eighteen and they film me kissing a pretty american boy behind the stadium and Yakov slaps me right across the face and I'm just standing there, frozen, with numb fingers grasping hot red marks on my cheek and tears are beginning to swell in the corners of my eyes and _don't cry, Viktor, you idiot, don't cry, don't cry don't cry don't you dare cry_

 _can you hear me?_ I'm twenty and they find me a 'girlfriend' to pose with as if to erase the last year's incident from fangirls' memories and she's red haired and curvy and she's wearing a sequined black dress and _why the fuck are you crying? Close your eyes and kiss me for the cameras and_

_freak._

And I skate and I skate and I skate my heart out and everything there is and they call me stone cold and they love me but they don't know that I hate myself and the noose that's tightening around my throat, closer and closer everytime I have to fake smiles and grins and I _just want to skate, Yakov!_

_You. Can't._

And I'm twenty-two and I don't have a single hair on my head that's not grey and Yakov makes them dye it but it gives me allergies and then I just cut almost all of it off with safety scissors in the bathroom and Mila and Giorgi hug me and tell me that _shush, Vitya, everything is fine, everything_

 _is ok._ And I win the Grand Prix and again and again and again and Yakov tells me that I can't retire and I should think of others but

 _I can't even save myself, Yakov._ And the wooden man puts an arm around my shoulders _don't cry, don't cry, don't cry Vitya I have an idea Vitya can you hear me_

  1. And the shrink tells me that I should eat and sleep and instead I coreograph _Stay close to me_ because I can't tell anyone how fucking miserable I feel but maybe somewhere in the world there's someone who's not blinded by sequined jackets and pretty smiles who'll see it and who'll let me drown and _mr. Nikiforov that was amazing! That was, you're_



_losing your spark._ Fading into nothingness.

And when I preform it, their breaths get stuck in their throats as they watch with oblivious eyes that understand nothing. Mellow tunes, sylabylles stretched to the point it's almost grotesque, until it sounds like a chewing gum melting on the road. _Stay close to me, stay close, stay, stay, stay, whoever you are please don't leave can you hear me Vitya why are you crying you were marvelous and_

 _Vitya!_ And Yuri Plisetsky and his illusions of grandeur and his quads and he can't hear what I'm thinking: _You're turning into me._

And I go to the banquet and I get drunk and I dance with a cute asian boy who kisses my cheeks and asks me to coach him and ends up dragging me by the tie towards his hotel room until Yakov runs after us and forcefully leads me away and _sorry babe, I can't. I'm Viktor bloody Nikiforov do you get it_

 _because I don't._ And I tell them that my theme for the next season will be love and Giorgi scoffs because _you wouldn't know love if it punched you in the face hey Vitya sorry I didn't mean that you know I didn't hey please_

 _come back! At least get your jacket, it's so cold outside!_  
  


And I'm twenty-seven and I'm lying on the couch when Mila sends me a link to the youtube video and it's the goddamn asian boy from the banquet skating to _Stay close to me_ and the first terryfing thought that goes through my head is _he knows_ because somehow this man who for now only exists inside my phone is the only one who has seen the fucking point of the entire coreography and that is that it's a cry for help and _sorry Yakov, I have to go, I have to I can't listen to you this time and please please please_

_tell Yuri Plisetsky what happened to Icarus._

Stone cold gaze.

_„I won't.“_

And _Hi Yuuri Katsuki my name is Viktor Nikiforov and I'll be your coach_ and _do you want to go thave dinner with me_ and _let's go for a walk down to the ocean_ and _please save me_

and then

 _What do you want me to be to you?_ I smirk _A father figure? A friend? A lover?_

 _None of the above._ he begs. _Just be Viktor and when I open up meet me where I am._

And little mediocre Yuuri Katsuki does the very last thing anyone would ever think of him: he teaches me that it's possible to mend yourself, in the most unprobable ways, and somewhere along the line I find that I'm laughing – genuinely – a waterfall of happy sounds spilling from my mouth and I think _this is how it was supposed to be like._

_Live. Live. Live. Teach me how to live._

And I know that sometimes you can only save one person, and it's ok if it's yourself, but Yuuri Katsuki saves two people : himself and me, and he doesn't even realize the importance of his role in the solar system of a man who used to be a skating legend.

I miss the ice like victims miss their abusers. But it's somehow easy because Yuuri manages to untangle the noose everytime it gets stuck around my neck.

 _Viktor Nikiforov is dead!_ Plisetsky screams at me. And then, against his will, his voice softens _This place reminds me of Hasetsu's ocean._

 _Yeah._ I say. _I thought that too._

My Yuuri is sitting down on the beach. I run – a blissful collision.

.

_Your hands, your legs,_

_My hands, my legs,_

_the heartbeats are fusing._

_Let's leave together._

_I'm ready now._

_._

_Viktor_ Yuuri whispers. A single finger slides up my neck and stops at my chin until our eyes are locked. _Don't take your eyes off me._

_I won't._

.

 _Viktor Nikiforov has won_ everything _there is to win!_

I am victorious at last. Yuuri is the podium, and his eyes are the trophy.


End file.
